A few weeks ago I turned 45. I feel obligated to capture some thoughts on it.

I’m now clearly middle aged. I’m mostly ok with this but some days its not easy. My vanity is a bit harmed as I’ve put on a few extra pounds and I’m clearly more grey the last year.

I read a few articles recently on the concept of “subjective life”. The idea is that your earlier years or more formative and as such have a greater impact in your memories. It think this is a bit true. You really experience your childhood, but are you sure you can say much about your middle age? Sadly the years seem to blend more and experiences are just a bit more bland. Not that you don’t still enjoy life, but the impact of any individual day is quite a bit less.

Now at 45 I’m a bit more reflective on the choices I made in my late teens and early twenties. The choice to go to Augustana College rather then University of Illinois when I was 17. I can still remember myself thinking about it and making a decision. How different would have my life been if I had gone to University of Illinois? Clearly a great deal. I don’t think this reflection is regret. Its more of a sort of curiosity to know if things would be been better or worse or indifferent.

One thing I’ve learned at 45 is I oddly regret never having served in the military. I don’t know if I would have liked it but its something I felt like I should have done. I think I’d like that history of service to be part of my memory good or bad.

Sadly we can only live one life. There’s so much to experience and we’re stuck with our one path. I’m happy with the path that my life has taken but I struggle with the opportunity cost that is the one life we get to live.

So much of my life is in flux right now. My daughters are growing an leaving my home. My wife and I are aging. What do I want to get out of these new 15 years before I turn 60 and really start into the twilight years of life. At 45 you still have good vitality. You can still do a lot. What is it that I really want out of this time?

Unfortunately there’s no simple answers to questions like these you just have to keep living and trying your best, which is what I will do.

Onward and Upward.