I recently turned 42.

I’ve always enjoyed the joke in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy that 42 was “Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything”. I’ve been joking for a while that when I turned 42 I would finally know. Sadly this is not how turning 42 works. Its basically the same as 41. I’m not surprised at this but I thought at 42 I’d have life more figured out. Oddly I think I’m less confident about what I want at 42 then I was at 21.

Hitting middle age has made me think a lot more about what I want from my life, the problem is that I don’t know the answer. Its an old joke that as an adult you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. I think there’s some people that do but I’m not one of them. I often feel I’m kind of stumbling through this life not really sure about anything.

I was reading a internet article last week that most people are their most unhappy in there 30’s and 40’s and then as they age into their 50’s they gradually report being “happier”. So I guess I’m probably at the low point of my life. I suppose that’s a good thing because all in all I have a very good life. I suspect this low point is because I’m realizing my life is very finite. The naivete of youth makes you not worry about the shortness of life. I guess the wisdom of old age helps you to care about it less.

I’m probably going to live for another 42 years. That’s not bad. I’ve done a lot of the stuff I’ve wanted to do in the last 42 years. Being older removes some things from the possible list - I’m pretty sure my best marathon is behind me but I can still run one if I want. I just need to adjust my goals to fit what I’m able to do.

One of the strange things about middle age is you realize you’re not likely to be “great” at anything. In most things you’re basically mediocre. This is oddly ok because most people are fairly terrible at most things so you can find a niche and make some money and live your life. But its still a little disappointing to come to grips with the fact that your peak is fairly lame.

I think I’m becoming a little better at being grateful for what I have. That’s probably the thing that makes old people happy. Realizing that just existing is enough, because what else are you going to do, die?

So onward and upward. I’ll make something of these next 42 years or I’ll just exist, which will be fine.